Butterburgers

Ah, Culver's. For those of you unfamiliar, allow me to briefly initiate you. Culver's is a restaurant started in Wisconsin that specializes in two things: Frozen Custard and Butterburgers. It began from one humble location in Sauk City in 1984, but has since exploded to 330 locations in 16 states, thankfully with plans for wider expansion soon. If you wonder what a butterburger is exactly, I implore you to exert even the least amount of imagination and intuition and you'll probably come pretty close. Had Solomon written Ecclesiastes in our time, he may have included a reference to Culver's in that now famous list, a time for everything. Or maybe he already did when he said, "a time to die" or perhaps "a time to kill" depending on who's eating and who's preparing the food.

If you've never been to Culver's you should at least know this much: Culver's makes a steady diet of McDonald's and Burger King seem like a safe bet for long-term coronary health. Today at lunch I went to Culver's in Carol Stream, Illinois with my good friend Clayton Keenon. I hadn't eaten at Culver's in a while and I was craving meat cooked in butter and a bun soaked in butter. Of course, Culver's food is cooked to order so you can truly have it your way. For example, this is what it says on the nutrition information page on their website:

"Culver's food is prepared to order. That means we'll make it just the way you like it. If you have dietary restrictions, just let us know how we can help.

• Ask for the bun without butter

That's always a good start. One might expect them to first mention they have salads.

So when I went up to place my order, I ordered a Butterburger with Cheese (398 calories, 20 grams of fat, 8 of them saturated), only ketchup. As the woman was inputing my order, I jokingly asked her if I could get extra butter. She was more than happy to oblige, clearly missing the joke as her finger rapidly prodded the touchscreen to customize my order. "No, I'm just kidding," I told her. She only hesitated briefly, pausing to tell me that they can do it and then went back to changing my order. "No, I don't want extra butter. It was just a joke." This time she paused and looked up, "Everything is made to order, so we can do that for you. We make everything to order, so they don't cook it until the order is tendered." "No, I really don't want extra butter." She seemed disappointed, so in the spirit of generosity and deference to my cashier lady friend, I got cheese fries. I didn't have the heart to explain to the poor lady that the whole extra butter thing is a family sin I'm trying to bury with me when I die.

And if you're curious about Clayton, he ordered the Double Butterburger with Cheese. Talk about a double entendre. His health numbers? 580 calories, 32 grams of fat, 10 of them saturated. Then we split a custard. I think that's mostly butter too.